It’s Me, God, Explaining My Involvement

“I need to simply thank everyone, and specifically, God. We love you, God.”

— Donald Trump, asserting strikes on Iran

Hello. It’s Me, God.

I do know what you’re pondering: I at all times imagined that if God existed, and cared about one factor, it will be peace. Peace, and maintaining kids from dying, maybe? How did You become involved in sending these bombers to Iran, to “decrease the temperature of worldwide battle whereas concurrently sort of elevating it right here with a view to decrease it,” within the immortal phrases of freshman Consultant Pat Harrigan of North Carolina?

Does Your involvement suggest that anybody has a plan, aside from pondering that they’re smarter than each different president? There’s a Greek phrase for that, and it isn’t plan.

No God price Their salt can be twisted up in struggle, you’re pondering, least of all a struggle being waged by the Trump administration, which has the long-term strategic acumen of an enraged opossum caught in a trash bag. This can be a president who thinks he can will a cease-fire into being through Fact Social posts alone.

Didn’t you used to make helium and rhinos and the idea of time? What occurred to you, God? How did you get combined up on this?

What can I inform you? Every thing that’s happening now could be so miserable. I needed to tune out for the sake of My psychological well being, and which will have been taken the mistaken means.

My days look totally different now from after I was busy inventing that factor that dew does when it will get caught in a spider’s internet and the sunshine catches it excellent. Principally, I spend my time agonizing over who ought to win Tremendous Bowls and giving individuals partial piggyback rides throughout the sand. I lurk perennially simply out of vary for Margaret.

I care deeply in regards to the outcomes of soccer video games. It issues to me that folks pray ultimately zone. I take note of that sort of factor.

Awards reveals, after all, I watch intently, to make sure I’m thanked. (I’ve an extended reminiscence for ingratitude.) I’m consistently on TikTok, doing oddly particular favors for some individuals and threatening others, until they interact in fixed prostration. “Good home,” I’m at all times saying. “Good life. Good child. Could be a disgrace if one thing occurred to it.” Bear in mind what I did to Job? (Allegedly.)

I’m huge into decor. Search for my affect on a driftwood signal between eat and love. I work onerous in order that influencers have blessed days. I give you personalised plans for Drake and people who find themselves going by means of tough breakups. I’m at all times sending messages, particularly round lottery-ticket purchases. I made positive Nicole Scherzinger obtained that Tony Award. I made a decision whether or not George Santos stayed in workplace. I seemed out for Bob Menendez, up to some extent. I instructed a pastor in Denver to promote some very doubtful cryptocurrency.

Once I’m not backseat-driving high-school soccer coaches’ prayers, I like to pose for John McNaughton work. I’m there, whispering my ideas to Mikes (Huckabee, Johnson) and telling them I like that they’re in cost. I care if Speaker of the Home Mike Johnson watches porn. I care an awesome deal!

I’m concerned in all the things nowadays, besides what issues. So many small, bizarre yeses to disguise the enormity of the no’s. I assist out with awards, and I hearken to Speaker Johnson’s considerations, and I help with private self-importance initiatives, and I ignore all the things else. Sure, all the things. Have to ship extra bombs someplace? Certain, if you happen to assume it’ll assist your model! Simply don’t ask me to assist out a single youngster or bend the arc of the universe towards justice anymore. I’m taking a while for Me now. You’re welcome, Donald Trump. Good luck with all the things! So excited to collaborate on collectible Bibles with you!